3.1 “Overly independent” children
The disrupted cycle of attachment for overly independent children.
Some children do not have all their emotional and physical needs met early on. They may have parents who are able to be responsive when the child is content or happy. However, they will, for differing reasons, find it hard to tolerate their child’s upset or distressed feelings. They will ignore or not recognise the child’s cries or demands when the child is upset and can become angry or dismissive of the baby’s demands for attention.
Parents who may be depressed or are using drugs can become preoccupied with their own needs and find it hard to respond in a reliable and predictable way to the needs of their children. When this happens the child becomes increasingly distressed and the parent either continues to ignore the child’s pleas for attention or becomes angry and may interpret the child’s behaviour as being “demanding” or “attention seeking”.
In this situation, a baby learns not to show his upset feelings, but rather contains their distress within them. The baby’s need for comfort and understanding when upset does not go away and, if this pattern of response is repeated, the child learns, over time, that showing feelings or being upset causes a negative response from the parent or carer. A child can be punished for crying or showing frustration and anger rather than being comforted and encouraged to talk about what has caused the distress.
The disrupted cycle of attachment for overly independent children.
The above diagram shows how a child could become overly independent should its needs not be met reliably
As the child grows, there is not a sensitive parent or carer to whom the child can talk to about their upset feelings and the child does not develop the language to explain their distress. The child feels both powerless and unworthy of love. The distressed feelings remain within the child who cannot trust that such feelings would be understood. These feelings are likely to burst out at unexpected times as upset or rage.
These children learn to look after themselves and have an “overly independent” manner. They give messages or signals that they don’t need help. However, this can be a cover for the very anxious feelings that are within the child as they do not expect their feelings to be understood. At school these children can get into conflict quickly when their upset feelings overwhelm them and they find it hard to understand the feelings of other children. They have not had the experience of thinking about their own feelings and learning to negotiate and compromise in situations of conflict. It is a struggle for the child if their own feelings have not been recognised, to understand that others have feelings too.